she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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