At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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