so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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