She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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