My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just found a bag of teeth...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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