Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
