forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
