I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
