I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
