i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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