Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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