I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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