I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize