Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
