so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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