I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
