I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
