The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
