So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
