i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
