my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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