and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I forget how to act sober
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
