My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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