i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
