dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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