How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Two words: nipple clamps
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