everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
