mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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