I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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