Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
