I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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