I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
