She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
