literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
