I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The Olympian is in my bed
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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