My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
