My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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