Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
