i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
