I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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