I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How does one acquire holy water?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
