Apparently you make a good broom.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How does one acquire holy water?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
