So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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