I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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