Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
His nipple licking is glorious
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
