So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
