i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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