U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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