Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
