between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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