i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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