My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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