Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
