Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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