please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
