im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
pop tarts are not kleenex
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
