Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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