I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize