I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
